When On Verge of Divorce, Birds of a Feather Flock together.
Stick with positive people when on verge of divorce. It’s been scientifically PROVEN that divorces are contagious: Studies show that you are 75% more likely to become divorced if a friend has divorced, and if a friend of a friend is divorced your odds of getting a divorce increase 33 percent – see Breaking Up is Hard to Do Unless Everyone Else is Doing It Too
If you are on the verge of divorce (meaning, no decision has been finalized), here is a list of people you should NOT call:
On the verge means “when something is likely to happen” or “about to happen”. It has not YET happened. Do NOT call a divorce lawyer when you are on the verge. Most divorce lawyers want the business. They rationalize it’s not their job to save a marriage, therefore they have no incentive to help you save it.
Friend Going Through Divorce
A friend going through a divorce will likely take you off the verge and towards the direction of divorce. Do NOT call a friend who is going through a divorce or already divorced (unless they discourage divorce and stick up for your spouse).
Do NOT call your parents. Chances are they never thought your spouse was “good enough” anyway, and they will likely blame your spouse and cause you to feel like you HAVE to go through with the divorce.
Do NOT call a therapist who is anti-marriage. In my opinion, if a therapist isn’t helping you work ON your marriage, you need to fire them.
When on the verge of a divorce, birds of a feather flock together.
Every week, I have initial consultations with people who are CONSIDERING divorce, but not really ready. What defines ready? Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t ever believe people are ready for a divorce. It just happens, like getting married, or becoming a parent. I do know, however, the things that scream “NOT READY”. Here is a list:
Your spouse does not know.
If your spouse does not know you are considering a divorce, SHAME on you. You need to COMMUNICATE this important fact to them before you see a divorce lawyer. The ultimate betrayal to your loved one is NOT cheating. It is rather the unilateral severance of your union without first discussing it. I do not care what other divorce lawyers are advising (some lawyers out there advise SERVING your spouse at work – SO AWFUL, NOT RECOMMENDED!). Your spouse was once your spouse, and deserves to know that you are divorcing them. I don’t care what you went through during your miserable union together. Your spouse deserves to know.
You do not know the ramifications of a divorce.
A marriage is a union of all things legal, financial, physical, sexual, mental, emotional, moral, ethical, and familial. When you are married, you have mixed all of this stuff into a BIG POT. You can get a divorce legally, but unless all pieces of this union are equally severed, there will remain the rots of a spoiled relationship, ripe for unscrupulous vultures (divorce lawyers, forensics, evaluators, therapists) to prey on. At the end of the day, all of these professionals are out to make money. They are NOT in the business of feeling good, and good emotions. Most of them don’t really care about you, or your marriage. Before you embark on divorce, EDUCATE yourself on how to separate from your spouse ALL these ways: legal, financial, physical, sexual, mental, emotional, moral, ethical, and familial.
You have not walked a mile in their shoes.
Before you seek divorce, ask yourself, how would you feel if they were me? Would they be pleased that I hired a lawyer and sought sole custody (no matter what it takes, including filing a false restraining order, and lying under penalty of perjury)? How would they feel if I hired a lawyer without first reading up on family law and the likelihood of something happening in court? Is it worth it to spend $10,000 retaining lawyers because you jumped to unnecessary conclusions about hiding assets and wasted $200,000 without ask me? How would they feel if I sought revenge using lawyers?
So many people immediately assume that the first step to divorce is hiring a divorce lawyer. WRONG.
Here is my divorce tip: first step, if you have NOT YET decided on divorce, go hang out with positive people. That’s right. Stay AWAY from divorce lawyers, therapist, divorced friends. They cannot help you. You are on the precarious ledge of something really awful right now – if you hang out with these people, they will push you off.
If you MUST seek counseling, find a pro-marriage therapist. Someone who will not be your yes-man or encourage the divorce.
If you MUST seek advice from a lawyer, I recommend finding a lawyer who is not known for being a pitbull. RUN from the lawyer who hates your spouse more than you. Choose someone who really cares about you. Someone who really knows the nitty-gritty of Family Law and isn’t afraid to show you the truth.
If you MUST seek advice from friends, find friends who are honest and support your marriage.
When on the Verge of a Divorce, Birds of a Feather Flock Together. You are in a delicate fragile place. Who you choose to advise you will make or break the course of your life. Choose wisely.